Opinion Poll
When choosing a spouse/"life partner", it is best to follow your:
[a] Heart
[b] Head
[c] "Gut"
[d] Other organ
[a] Heart
[b] Head
[c] "Gut"
[d] Other organ
posted by Turbo at 10:13 AM
Sunday, June 15, 2008
- Disclaimer: The details of clinical vignettes posted on this site have been altered or obscured such that they no longer represent the activities of real or identifiable people. Where names, initials, or other identifying details are included in such vignettes, they are entirely fictitious. Nonetheless, the events described accurately reflect my true personal daily experiences.
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16 Comments:
C. "Gut"
If it does not feel right, there's no amount of thinking you can do to change that, in my opinion. I'm a big believer in the idea that you will know in a very short amount of time whether or not you are compatible with someone. If you are listening to all the cues... I'm constantly amazed by the strength of the signals one can send or receive without uttering a word.
a mix of A. C. and D. But whatever you do, leave B. out of it. B. will talk you out of anything, given half a chance.
for sure A. a little bit of C. why not some D, depending on what it is. for you, dear turbo, absolutely no B. none whatsoever. just my 2 cents for what it's worth :)
pour moi? a little bit of (a) and a little bit of (c). i'm finding that friends are fairly helpful in this regard. at least mine seem to be.
ps. am going to agree with GMD re: you & (b), friend.
beware that for some, including you perhaps, c. has an inordinate amount of b. mixed in. Accordingly, I vote for a. and d. only.
I think as long as you've got any two, you're probably good. And I agree with everyone who cautions against relying on B alone.
Just a clarification: this was not supposed to be your opinion ABOUT ME. Just in general, for, you know, what the generic "one" ought to do. Though I appreciate all the customized advice...
Your gut - it has to be your gut. On a lesser scale (being these thoughts are regarding "only" a potential significant other) but a prime example none the less - every ounce of my heart, my mind, and my other organs is pressing me to pursue a certain someone who recently entered my life. But, my gut says "no go", it senses an unhealthy imbalance in this developing relationship, and I'm not going to risk the well-being of my heart, my mind, or my body - not again. Follow your gut.
Though I'd love to countermand Dr. Turbo's instructions and insist that one should always choose one's partner based on TG's gut, I'm instead going to go against the conventional wisdom here and argue for the value of following your head. From my own experience, having tried it both ways, I can confidently say that while it's essential to check in with all the other organs, only the head can put all the pieces together, reject irrational fear, counsel patience and open-mindedness, and reign in blind exuberance that can lead to regret. (I am of course talking about one's mature, brave, smart, observant head--not the snippy, overthinking critic who plagues so many of us.)
Gut.
For me, "gut" is a combination of "head" and "heart" and "other organ" as well as something else intangible. But I often find it can be hard to find my gut feeling, much less follow it, when one or two other body parts are being too loud (perhaps explaining my single status...).
I second the notion Fibby raises. I almost said the whole body earlier. I find if there's some lingering issue or concern, tension follows. Maybe it's not exactly in your gut. But you'll feel it. The opposite is true as well. When it's right, there's no analysis needed. It just works. In the beginning it should be pretty damn amazing.
Head. "We sign people on for a lifelong commitment when they are in the least rational state a person can be in." I think a quote similar to that is like George Bernard Shaw.
I think when all of the factors are in agreement, everything is a go. The head is funny one. I think primary thoughts are important, secondary ones are not so much. Remember the threat of Rationalizations. Primary thoughts might be: Person is already married, a child, a non-human, a convicted rapist, a nun...etc... Secondary thoughts involving ideas about compatablity may attempt to override the other factors. The conscious mind may actually be tainted with cultural clutter that may negatively impact one's love life.
So go with the heart, the groins, the gut. But with a keen insight into the difference between lust and love.
So few votes for listening to your head....
I have to agree with Brushfire's "B will talk you out of anything, given half a chance" but at the same time, surely the day to day practicalities of sharing your life with someone need a little rationality. We've all heard the proverb "A bird may love a fish, but where would they live?" On a practical level if choose to spend my life with someone who really doesn't like the activities I love best then, while yes, love conquers all, there's going to be a lot of conflict over a phrase as simple as "hey, wanna go camping this weekend?"
Love isn't what makes two people compatible. Love grows in that closing space between two people who are already moving toward each other.
For me, my gut and then my head. You will never find out enough about someone in the initial phases of things for your head to be of much use. (Or, if you do it will be pretty obvious that you need to stay far far away.) But as you learn more, your ability to think about whether or not what you know about the person is consistent with what you need in a companion becomes extremely important.
I think the real answer to this question is very individual. You have to play to your strengths and they're different for everyone. For me, it's my head that keeps me out of trouble and my heart that leads me merrily into it every time.
I think my response is most similar to that of Ivory's. I've been thinking about the question on and off, and I didn't post because I truly couldn't decide. I think my heart is perhaps the initial pull and also what has been at fault for keeping me in relationships that are bad for me. In those cases, I ignore the aching in my gut (or else am so tuned out to it that I don't even notice it at all), and my heart ends up convincing my head that all things going on in the relationship are justified in some way.
In my current relationship, I have used a healthy balance of heart, head, and gut. And I am truly now listening to all 3 things. There are, in even the best of relationships, things that crop up that aren't always ideal, but the most important thing is that we love each other, respect each other, and work together to make the relationship work. I realize now that in the past, I have ignored my gut feelings about things just because I didn't want to lose the person. I have now made sure that things are different this time.
All 3 : heart, head, and gut, in good balance - that's what works for me.
Take care,
Carrie :)
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