Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Conspiracy Theory

I lied. I actually put that hole in the ceiling on purpose. I was getting fearful, and I needed to know what was up there in that little space under the roof.

You may not want to know about this, but there is strong circumstantial evidence that a popular fiberglass insulation product and a popular artificial sweetener product are, in fact, the same chemical substance. Considering the further obvious links to cold-war era French police debacles, I trust you will come to the same disturbing conclusions I have. If these products are in your home, you are probably being watched.

Luckily, yesterday's ceiling investigation showed that my house has absolutely no sign of insulation, of any color. Disturbingly, however, I find that one of my housemates has purchased an enormous box of popular artificial sweetener product-- to the tune of 3.5 lbs. 1,500 servings. 1,500 seperate packets of infiltrative disturbance. Think I'm getting far-fetched? Think again: Webster's third definition of "packet" is: "a short fixed-length section of data that is transmitted as a unit in an electronic communications network."

And as if all that wasn't enough, just this morning I started to see certain panther-like features in 9. True, he is not the right color-- but that means nothing in this day of elaborate cosmetic surgeries. I will be watching him closely for evidence of suspicious behavior. You should do the same at your house.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Johanna said...

While I wouldn't be surprised to see a cockroach turn to a crocodile if sufficient quantities of artificial sweetener are consumed... your panther also has an amazing ability to grow tender annuals in a Maine March. Given the crappy weather around here, I'm going to go buy some obnoxious chemicals and injecting them into my bloodstream. I'll be back when I have ripe tomatoes.

3/15/06, 1:22 PM  
Blogger Turboglacier said...

Remarkably observant, J. Yes, I admit to using a "file photo" of 9. It looked more panther-like than anything he was doing this particular morning.

3/15/06, 1:31 PM  
Blogger Katinka said...

9 is very handsome, especially for a panther.

I'm not sure about your conspiracy theory but this looks suspiciously like the beginnings of a 'cat blog'...*mis. grn*

3/15/06, 1:33 PM  
Anonymous hilllady said...

Cat blogging is contagious. You have been warned.

3/15/06, 2:24 PM  

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